Uphill Battle
by Ithilwen K-Bane
Summary: The Chairman presents Felix and Locus with the meta armor. But the newly minted AI Sisyphus has some questions for them, starting with, "Are you guys cops?" Rated for language and allusions to sexual complications.


_Red vs Blue_ and its characters are the creation of the crew at Rooster Teeth. It is itself inspired by _Halo_ , owned by Bungie and Microsoft.

Mild spoilers for RvB13-6.

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"Wait, so our AI used to be a Freelancer?" asked Felix as Locus flexed his arms inside the meta armor.

"We found the donor near a simulation base known to be frequented by Freelancer agents. To my surprise, the tissue was still viable even after years in cryostasis." The Chairman smiled thinly. "I regret we could not run any of the coercion algorithms that made our dear FILSS so helpful. You will have to, ah, 'break it in' yourselves."

"Oh I can't _wait_." Felix elbowed Locus in the ribs.

The Chairman walked away. "I'll leave you to it."

"You know I'm surprised he gave us the armor this early. I figured he'd be more of a prick about that whole haven't-killed-Chorus-yet thing."

A small, glowing figure appeared by Locus's shoulder.

"The Chairman says your name is 'Sisyphus,'" said Felix.

"Fuck you! I _took_ the court-mandated antibiotics!" The AI looked at Locus. "Are you guys cops?"

"Is he what now?"

"'Cause if you are, and I ask you, you hafta tell me. That's totally a law or something."

"AI, what is your proficiency with the meta armor's weapons?" said Locus.

"Meh, they're violent."

"How about Agent Wyoming's time manipulator?" said Felix.

"When'd they install _that?_ "

"Healing unit?"

"I think it died."

"Communications?" asked Felix.

"Say whaaaaat?"

"Active camouflage?"

"What's it look like?"

Felix looked at Locus, "So... What _can_ you do?"

The AI brightened. "Wanna see my ping pong ball trick?"

"No," said Locus.

"It's really cool! There's this special ball I use. All the boys down in tech squad loved it."

"I bet they did," said Felix.

The projection flickered in place. Felix stifled a chuckle. "I'm no longer sorry I lost that coin toss."

"Be quiet," said Locus.

"You're gonna be _unstoppable_. A one-man walking weapon, slaying at every drunken bar game. No six-pack in the Fizzy Mart could stand against you."

"It's not funny," said Locus.

"Hey, maybe you could paint your helmet like Hello Kitty!"

"Found my ball!" shouted Sisyphus.

"Or we could get some glitter pens and write the word 'Juicy' across your b—"

The bubble shield deployed, shotputting Felix across the room.

" _PONG!_ " yelled the AI.

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"AI Sisyphus," growled Locus, "occupy that enemy gunner while I reload. And do not give away our position."

"Got it. Hey REBEL GUY. STOP SHOOTING, YOU STUPID BITCH."

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"Sisyphus," said Felix as he crouched on his belly in the meta armor, "get me telescopic vision on the Federal soldiers down in the gully."

"Okay! I can do that!"

"No, _not_ just the lead guy's butt."

"But he's kinda' hot!"

"But he's— Just pretend they're all girls."

"Okay," said Sisyphus. " _She's_ kinda' hot."

"Oh God..."

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"Sisyphus, you will _not_ get a virus if you interface with the enemy computer."

"That's what the last guy said, and now I can't stop glitchin'!"

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"Hey Locus old buddeeeeee, how about you take the meta armor this mission and I'll just—"

"I wore it last time. It is your turn."

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Locus sat silently as two new recruits danced along to _oom chicka oom chicka oom chicka_ in the multicolored light that flowed out from his repurposed camo unit.

"Aw, don't be mad little guy," said Sisyphus. "We made ten bucks!"

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"How did it get _pregnant_ , Locus?!"

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"Sisyphus, access the weather report."

"It's kinda hot."

"Useless machine, you have disobeyed me for the last—" Locus stopped. "Repeat command."

"Uh... It's twenty-eight degrees? You know, hot but not _that_ hot?"

"...Thank you."

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"Yup," said Felix, examining the helmet. "Slow-acting neurotoxin. It's official. He tried to tie up our loose ends and sent that little slut-bot as a distraction.*"

"The Chairman has betrayed us," Locus growled. "We cannot permit that to go unpunished."

"I'm with you on that," agreed Felix.

"I love revenge," perked Sisyphus. "I wanna help!"

Felix twisted in his chair. "I thought the Chairman was your beloved creator or something."

" _Fuck_ no. He's old and gross and I hate him!"

Locus shrugged.

"Sure. Why not?"

"Yay! Go us, _let's win!_ "

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Locus pulled Sisyphus' chip from the back of his neck and plugged it into the port. "Sisyphus, engage with the ship's security system. Commence operation 'spring break.'"

"EAT VIRUSES, BITCH. HOW MANY? LIKE SIX."

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"Sisyphus," gasped Felix as he took cover behind the console. "Show the Chairman's guards your ping-pong ball trick."

"Okay!"

Felix snickered as three Charon employees found themselves splattered against the far wall.

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"While I do admire your persistence," the Chairman's voice oozed out from the intercom, "I'm afraid the _Staff of Charon_ is a fortress. When one level of defense falls, another takes its place. You will never find the location of the—"

"The self-destruct gizmo is in the engine room. 'S down the hall," said Sisyphus.

"Thank you, Sisyphus," said Felix.

"How," the Chairman faltered. "How did you—That information is encrypted!"

" _Uh_ , of course I speak encrypted. It's the year 2500, and I'm made outta numbers."

Locus ran back to position. "Self-destruct engaged."

"Well," said Felix. "I'm sure we'd _love_ to stay and chat, but the three of us have to make it to the one and only escape pod that isn't full of nerve gas."

"And d-bag body spray!" added Sisyphus.

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The escape pod sped away as the _Staff of Charon_ lit up like a Roman candle.

"Wohoo!" shouted Sisyphus.

"Well it was a good paycheck while it lasted," said Felix.

Locus grunted affirmatively.

"What now? Find another planet to torch?"

"You know, I thought about torching a planet once but then I figured who wants to be known as the girl who had _seven_ genocidal killing sprees? Let's go get burgers."

Locus shrugged.

"Guy's gotta eat."

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*Don't call people slut-bots. It's mean.

Originally posted as Darkfrog24 under the title "Uphill Battle." General consensus seems to be that someone we know is getting their brain sucked out for a new AI. My own best guess is that Felix and Locus are about to become a _much_ cuter pair, but the possibilities are just so delightful.

drf24 at columbia dot edu


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